how do you feel

When I came out to my two older sisters (coming out just seems so demeaning anymore, coming out from what?) some 25 years ago, there was very little hoopla or discern. However, there was one question both of my older sisters wanted to ask, but neither knew how to express.

The strange thing was that when I had announced to my sisters, each separately from one another, that among other attributes in my life I was now recognizing that I was Gay, openly expressing my acceptance of it, they both had said to me, so how are you feeling? At first, the how was I feeling question made sense. I assumed they were asking me how was I feeling emotionally, or how was I feeling now that I had shared a secret of my life. When the first sister I told, Maxine asked me that question I said great. I said Maxine I am feeling great, how are you feeling? I was asking the how are you feeling question to her in regards to how are you feeling now that I have told you a deep dark secret I was so afraid of sharing.

Maxine said in all earnest, but its your health I am worried about. This bit of repartee went on for about three minutes. She asked me and I asked her how are you feeling how am I feeling it was like watching an exciting tennis match with no one hitting the ball fowl. Then it dawned on me that the how was I feeling question had nothing to do with my mental health, but it was more of an indirect direct question as to how was my physical health.

Maxine, I said, now holding her hand. Why are you asking me about my physical health when I am proclaiming my independence from the closet and sounding proud to be admitting one more fact about my life. Maxine looked at me and said but if you are Gay doesn’t that mean, she paused looked away from me, doesn’t that mean and then she stopped.

Sometimes like a lightening bolt out of nowhere we all have a recognition of nonsense making some sense. As my sister dropped her eyes from my eyes as she lowered her voice as if she was expressing her condolences for some awful moment in my life, I realized my sister Maxine, who knew nothing about my sex life when I was dating or married or now as newly outed Gay man, was worried as a Gay man I must surely have AIDS.

Rumor runs rampant in my family and feelings get hurt very quickly if one sibling knows something and the rest do not. (I always have to manage to speed dial all of my siblings when wishing them a happy holiday for fear of one of saying have you heard from your brother). So after telling Maxine my news, I quickly drove the car and went to my second sister Bonnie. My timing was perfect as Bonnie had not yet received the have you heard from your brother phone call from Maxine yet.

Still burning a bit from Maxine’s question about my health and her assumption, I was a bit more direct with Bonnie, saying I am Gay, its still me and nothing else has changed except I am more open about something I was embarrassed to share.

Bonnie’s reaction was as I had anticipated with her saying I don’t care about that Gerry you are my brother and I loved you before you said you are Gay and I love you just the same now. And then she said to me in a quiet voice, the kind of voice you hear in the movies when it is three o’clock in the morning and someone is knocking at your door, the kind of voice that almost cracks and wishes it did not have to ask the question of who is there, how do you feel?

Not this sister I thought, how do I feel, Bonnie I retorted, I feel great, how do you feel. I mean how do YOU feel she said with a sense of urgency in her voice. How should I feel I decided to answer I just told you something I had been hiding from myself for along time, I feel great. Well that is great she replied but how else do you feel?

Like with my sister Maxine I played the how do you feel game for another three minutes. Like my sister Maxine, my sister Bonnie assumed that being Gay meant I have AIDS.

I was and am HIV negative. My lifestyle never included any risky sexual or social activity which might have may have made me vulnerable. And none of that even counted as my sisters asked me how do I feel, as they never knowing anyone personally who was Gay or perhaps out of the closet, had garnered their homosexual information from bigoted, biased, bogus people who had slandered and run rough shod on all homosexuals and had never taken the time to understand any or all facts on HIV/AIDS.

Twenty five years ago, Gay for many meant AIDS. It was a curse for being something other then straight. It was assumed by many who had no idea, along with dressing in drag, able to decorate a home, style hair that being Gay meant you had AIDS.

When I finally answered my two sisters questions about how I felt and said no, indeed I did not have HIV or AIDS, they sighed. And then I sat down with each of them and said I need to explain to you all the things you assume and then provide real facts. We had quite a conversation, the first time I had mentioned anything about sex with them in my entire life.

This is World AIDS Day. It is day to reflect, review and respond to the people who have died of AIDS, currently live with AIDS and to consider how we can educate others to never have to deal with this disease in the future. It is a day for me that reminds me how not knowing how to ask a question, not understanding why the question is asked, or just assuming the question needs to be asked is so important.

Prejudice is a disease, ignorance is the foundation for prejudice, learning the truth seems to be the only vaccine to cure the illness. My sisters meant no harm. Rather, I am sure they were scared and concerned for their baby brother. I am sad we have to hold World AIDS Day, but the benefits for me seem to be medicine for the soul.

I wish those who have lost loved ones from AIDS a moment of remembrance for the joy and value those who have deceased brought them and still provide them via memories. For those living with AIDS I wish you promise and encouragement and hope. For those who have little idea of the wrath of AIDS I wish for you knowledge and will and the ability to ask any and all questions but not settling until you receive correct answers.