pissed off pie

My mother had a first cousin, who, while my sisters and I were young, called Aunt Hannah. Aunt Hannah was a woman who had been married twice. She divorced her first husband, while having an affair with her soon to be second husband. This was the 1950’s and to even admit you were having an affair, then leave one husband for the second, and brag about how bad the first husband was as a husband was a taboo that brought shudders and many a pooh-pooh-pooh to the elderly women within my family.

Because my mother had a sister named Hannah and we also called her Aunt Hannah the Hannah on her second marriage was always referred to with three names, her maiden, first marriage and her current marriage- Hannah Katz-Turkle-Marcus.

Aunt Hannah Katz-Turkle-Marcus was not a shy person nor stood back from anyone rolling their eyes, or whispering about her marriages or suggesting it must have been her attitude that broke up the first marriage. When in the company of any rumor, gossip or tall story being shared about her, Hannah would interrupt and say “if your kaka (our families word for shit) smelled any less lousy then mine and you didn’t hide your secrets instead of being honest, I would let you finish putting me down, but your kaka smells as sour as mine and you are drowning in secrets, so shut up!

It did shut up the gossip until Hannah left the room and then the gossip continued but with more eye rolls and hand gestures and hushed words.

Hannah Katz-Turkle-Marcus was the rebel rouser within our family and she seemed to relish the fact that her actions might cause some consternation. I remember Hannah-Katz-Turkle-Marcus approaching me during my wedding reception. When she caught anyone in a one to one situation two things went through your mind, damn how much will she insult me and be crude or I wish I had a tape recorder because I can only imagine what she is going to say.

Being it was MY wedding reception and she had approved of my new wife, I was sure this one on one was only going be filled with a Mazol Tov and a kiss. But I was wrong. Aunt Hannah-Katz-Turkle-Marcus stood in front of me, placed her long thin arm on my shoulder, pulled me in closer (she was losing her hearing but always claimed people stood too far apart when they spoke), dug her fingers into my shoulder and said. “Sometimes you get stuck in a pissed off pie and are deep, deep in the recess of that pissed of pie so deep you no longer realize what is pissing you off. When that happens you need to take a big step away from that pie, use all your might to do so, and remove yourself so you can breathe fresh air. Sometimes, Gerry, being mired in what pisses you off takes away the joy in realizing just how pissed off you are.

She continued. I was with my first husband and actually the day we said I do I was pissed off at him, but thought things would change. They didn’t Gerry, she said, instead they grew worse. But until I could pull myself away from that pissed off pie I baked I had no idea how bad it really was and how to make it better. At this point she dug her nails a little deeper into what seemed to be my shoulder bone, moved closer to my face, so close I also knew she had been drinking lots of whiskey, and said, make sure nothing about this marriage pisses you off, and if it doesn’t celebrate. But if anything pisses you off when you start your marriage, step away from it or it will become like white noise it will sound deafening and you won’t hear what is really happening in your life and you will never be able to make it better. She then leaned in and kissed me on the lips. In those days in my family someone would kiss you on the lips as a blessing as if they got permission from God.

For anyone, and I hope it is a lot of anyones who has noticed, I have gone blog-less for a few weeks. It was an action I was cognizant in making come to fruition and an action I decided to attempt almost as a cleansing. I realized I had found myself in a pissed off pie and I was deep in its mire and muck. I grew anxious with any news about the Republican primary candidates wondering how come I am the only one worried about their lack of ethics, morals or values. I grew angry as people without health care, homes, inadequate unemployment benefits were still ill, homeless and poor and the politicians of both parties still debated the issue. I grew sarcastic and cynical as the rich remained rich never being asked to pay their fair share and the poor became scapegoats by the rich as if they wanted to be poor on purpose.

I was pissed off, and so pissed off I saw no way out no way to make it better. So I decided to stop blogging and pointing out what I saw as the obvious but millions of Americans did not. I sat back in that pissed off pie and pouted.

I pulled myself out of that pissed off pie a bit refreshed but refreshed with a sense that talking about the bad, the hypocrisy, the selfish and self serving needs to be done to try my best to make it better. I beleive the more of us who talk who are pissed off the more we can motivate and create change and consensus.

So Aunt Hannah-Katz-Turkle-Marcus I have stepped back from the pissed off pie realizing what DOES piss me off. I do have a joy, not in being pissed off, but in hoping to find others who are pissed off just enough to work together snd bake a whole new no reason to be pissed off pie.

Rest in Peace Aunt Hannah-Katz-Turkle-Marcus!