My Grandma Braff always felt that the more quiet you were about your own life the better you were to ward off the evil eye as well go under the radar (not her words but the meaning of her words) and not be noticed. She would pooh/pooh gossip and she would complain it was a 'shunda', (a sin) to announce outside of the confines of your own household any not so nice deed you did or anticipating doing. She was the queen of rolling her eyes whenever she disagreed, and the gold medal winner of pursing her lips as a response to not responding at all.
In the 1950’s I remember knowing two gentlemen, my grandmother’s first cousins, who at the time were in their 40’s, who were known as bachelors. Neither one was married and neither had a significant woman in their life. They were men who traveled quite a bit and wore a lot of jewelry. Some of the family was upset that all that travel and jewelry purchasing was selfish. Some of the family members would snicker as they described the men as bachelors and I remember a kind of an up and down movement of the wrist as the word bachelor was said. And because these men WERE bachelors, most of the family were sure that was the main reason why they were selfish.
The times I was in the presence of my grandmother and her sisters and her family, and the issue of because they WERE bachelors they were selfish came up, my grandmother would clear her throat and looking at each and every member of her family say in a nonemotional monotone we know they are bachelors so what. They are from the same loins as us, we may not like what they do because we don’t know what they do, but they are family. Your harsh words suit no one but the desires of devil. If we don’t love our ‘mishpucha’’ (family), then we provide fodder for those who are jealous and enable them to eat our flesh. When they do that all WE have left of those we love is ash.
It was after my Bar Mitzvah (the Jewish religious traditional ceremony of coming of age of becoming a man), that I heard my grandmother use the word ‘fagelah’ for the first time as she spoke of her two bachelor cousins. My grandmother said to me you should know that cousins Herman and Jessie are ‘fagelahs’ you know men who like ‘schtooping’ (having sex) with other men she added. Now we know that there is nothing wrong with them being ‘fagelah’s, but that is because they are family. For some however who are jealous of our love for family they will try and tell others Herman and Jessie are bad people. All these scoundrels and ‘schmucks’ (dicks) want to do is cause trouble because there is nothing good about their own lives so they pick at our lives for satisfaction. As a man Gerry, you have to be able to defend your family against hate. Then she said almost in a whisper, (always a sign to listen even harder to her), don’t we all have secrets we wish we could share.
At 37 I revealed a secret about my own life as a ‘fagelah’ and for some it came as a shock and for others they said it was about time to stop with the not so secret secret. There were some who couldn’t wait to whisper and say did you hear about Gerry Buncher using that same accusatory voice as my grandmothers family when talking about the bachelors. At first I was ashamed, then angry and finally content that I finally was honest about me.
The biggest deal about being Gay it seems comes from those who would rather spend time reviewing the lives of Gays instead of living their own life. It seems those so negatively verbose about Gays are those who as my grandmother says know nothing about what we do so they assume they don’t like it or we do it so much better!
Gay is an issue in the Republican/Tea Party that will help elect a candidate. The more hate for Gays the more popular the man who if elected will deny ALL Americans free and equal.
It seems that if the issues and problems plaguing America were approached as a family, an American family, ‘mishpucha’ then as my Grandma Braff said we will will make no one an enemy and protect all those we love from scoundrels and ‘schmucks’ who love to eat the flesh of anyone but themselves.
Words of wisdom I still remember from my Grandma Braff.
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